At 5:40 am like clockwork my feet hit the floor after one round of snooze, my watch goes on, my hair gets pulled back with no less than four bobby pins in place, I throw on my shorts and tank, grab my pre-run apple and head towards the track. Except not today. Today there was silence; the lies of yesterday hitting both mentally and physically.
Insignificance and shame you can leave.
It’s funny how one theme can be woven into so many facets of your week. From intimate conversations with friends, to suicide awareness panels, to speaking to a room full of middle and high school girls, to LG knocking one out of the park on Sunday SHAME has been that theme.
The combination of sadness and frustration strikes a chord every time. The burden heavy, the wrestling match that can never be won. But why? Why this week, why when the opportunities are beautiful, things are settling, and God is tangibly on the move are shame & insignificance rearing their ugly heads? Because it’s where I’ve sat, unknowingly.
As the pounds came back on, the mental anguish started to subside, and light started to shine into the dark spaces shame kept a stake in the ground. Still having the tendency to fight alone, the biggest trap I fell into was feeling like a burden to my family and those close to me. Jon had enough on his plate why bother him with more, my friends won’t bother to have me around anymore because I have too much “stuff”. Sound familiar?
In a season where things are in a constant state of flux, my running has been somewhat sidelined forcing me to give up Chicago this Sunday, and my Elite debut next Sunday; writer’s block has held me captive as I choke out words just trying to keep creativity onto a page, the career aim never seems to be quite clear, and things overall feel foggy as I navigate the day to day, it can be hard to silence the lies.
And all the enemy wants me or any of us to do is sit in this place.
But it’s a lie. It’s all a lie. If the enemy is trying to attack you in this place (as my husband gently reminded me) it means YOU ARE ANYTHING BUT INSIGNIFICANT. In fact it’s quite the opposite, you are incredibly valuable for the plans and purposes of God, and he’s already carried all the burden for you so you are NOT a burden to anyone.
In the words of Hillsong:
I am chosen
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am
So maybe you don’t know exactly what the future holds (but I mean does anyone), but you can stand on that promise above. You are significant. Want a practical way of stepping into this is gratitude, oh yes it’s that cliche, but I love what Rachel Hollis and The Chic Site are doing for the last 90 days of the year. One of their Five to Thrive methods is writing a list of 10 unique things (no blanket statements) to be grateful for each day. What a start?!
Today, I’m grateful for a journey that has allowed and pushed me towards bringing the hard things to light, and those that have followed it along the way.
For now friends,